1. English Teacher's Joke-1.( Inserted to be compared and contrasted.)
"A pond is the lowest form of humid."
Pretty wetty no?
2. George Bernhard Shaw's English Joke
Question: How do you pronounce the English construct "ghoti"?
Answer: "FISH"; by pronouncing the "gh" of "enough", the "o" of "women"
and the "ti" of "nation".
3. Big numbers.
Question: "How many seconds are there in year?"
Answer: "Twelve. January second, Februrary second, ..."
4. Algebra Quiz.
Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?
Student: "Ten Q"
Teacher: "You are welcome"
5. Inconsistency Theorem
Little boy: "My math teacher is crazy."
Mother: "Why do you say that?"
L.B. "Yesterday she told us that 1+4 is five; today she is telling us that five is 2 +3."
6. Foreign Fractions
Question "How do we know that the following fractions are in Europe: a/c, x/c, w/c ?
Answer: "Because they are all over c's"
Question: "Why was six afraid of seven?"
Answer: " Because 7 8 9"
Patient, nervously: "I'm a tipi; I'm a wigwam"
Psychiatrist, calmly: "Relax, you're two tents."
9. Enough Already!
Question: "What did one Math book say to the other?"
Answer: "Don't bother me, I've got my own problems!"
10. Limited Effort
Depicted here is another reason that Achilles could not catch the tortoise.
11. Count Count
Mathematician: "There are three types of Mathematicians.
Those who can count and those who can't!"
12. Where's the proof?
A Mathematician and her husband were driving along a country road and he said to her, "Look dear those sheep have been shorn." She replied, "At least on this side."
Some philosophy and theology
13. Descrates' Existence Theorem-1
Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bartender asked,"The usual Monsieur Decatres?"
Decartes replied, " I think not." and promptly disappeared.
14. The Mathematical horse
There was this magnificent mathematical horse. You could teach it arithmetic which it learned with no difficulty, algebra was a breeze.
It could even prove theorems in Euclidean Geometry, but when you tried to teach it Analytic Geometry, it
would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously neigh loudly, try to bite and generally resisted the subject.
The moral of this story is you can't put Descartes before the horse.
15. A non-transitive ordering
If a ham sandwich is better than nothing and Nothing is better than life itself.
Does that mean that a ham sandwich is better than life itself?
Question: "What does an insomniac agnostic dyslectic do late at night?"
Answer: Lie awake wondering about the existence of dog.
17. Distracted by the lyrics
Question: Why do Unitarians have trouble singing in Church?
Answer: Because they are always reading ahead to see if they agree with the words.
18. Mathematical Astrology?
Question; What did the mathematician say when he learned his girlfirend was a Pices?
Answer: I haversine(alpha)
Thanks to J. Martin SRJC
Question: "What is 2 + 2 = ?" Answer: A math problem!
Created by an eighth grader, Creekside Middle school
20. A metajoke
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this? a joke?"
Thanks to Craig S.
Back To Some Serious Math
21. Fractions over easy
Did you know that 5 out of every 4 people have trouble with fractions?
Thanks to Tom Najman
22. Port Deposit
Question: Why did the mathematicin name his dog Cauchy?
Answer: Because he(the dog, that is)left a residue at every pole.
Thanks to Ben Ford
23. Bio-Math Mission Impossible
Q: What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
A: Nothing! You can't cross a scalar with a vector.
24. Russell's Paradox?
(a) Sign on an aircraft exit door: "If you can't read these instructions, call a flight attendant"
(b) My fortune cookie says: "Don't take advice from a fortune cookie."
25. What's in a name?
The ancient Greeks had funny ways to name their children.
One day a little boy had torn his pants and when his father came home he angrily held up the torn pants and said to the boy "Euripides?"
The name stuck, until the little boy repaired the pants and then showed them to his father who then exclaimed "Eumendese!"
I'm sorry I forgot the name of the person who sent me this joke. It may have been "Eugenius."
26. Pit Stop
Question: Where does a bee go to the bathroom?
Answer: A BP station.
Alternative Answer: A flower potty.
Alternative alternative Answer: (From Tom Najman, Ontario Canada)
An Esso station (He was an Esso bee)
27. The Great Karmak
Question: The answer is "9-K", what is the question?
Answer: The question is "Karl do you spell your name with a C?"
Another version: The answer is "9-W", the question is "Mr. Vagner do you spell your name with a V?"
Question: " What is the following"
ea,ea,ea,ea, ... ea,ea,ra,ea, ... ea,ea,ea,ea, ... ea,ea,ea,ea
Answer: Fourier Series
29.We are infinite
Q: What is the value of the contour inegral around Western Europe
A: Zero, All the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
30.This is your Captain speaking
The aircraft was experiencing severe turbulence as it tried to land at the Warsaw Airport.
All the passengers were instructed to move over to the left hand side. Why?
Answer: Because stability occurs when all the Poles are in the laft side of the plane.
Thanks to R. Luttmann
31. Youth Today
A mathematician was showing his 14 year old daughter how to use the calculator and he asked her, what is the sin(40)?
Daughter: "Over the hill?"
Thanks to Tom F. for this actual event.
32. They're Inhumane
Computer Science Student: " My computer ate my data; it's trying to get me in trouble!"
CS Instructor: "Don't anthropomorphize computers; they don't like it.
Thanks to the CS professors at Sonoma State
Q:When a computer scientist is cooking spaghetti, how does he know when it is done?
A: When it begins to look like FORTRAN code.
34. Big Bang
A Surgeon, a Mathematician and a Politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest (Really?).
The Surgeon stated that his profession was first, "After all", he asked,"Who do you think helped God make Eve out of one of Adams ribs?"
The Mathematician said "No, before Adam and Eve and even before he Big Bang there was chaos and God needed a Mathematician to show him how to use Chaos Theory!"
The politician spoke up, "Ha, I win, who do you think caused the chaos?"
Thanks to Craig S.
35. Executive Job Interview
A mathematician, statistician and an accountant were finalists for a position as VP in a large coorporation.
The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500?" they asked. "1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you, You are dismissed."
Next the statistician. "How much is 500 plus 500?"; "On the average, 1000 with 99% confidence," he replied
"Thank you"; they dismissed him also.
Now the accountant. "How much is 500 plus 500?"
"What would you like it to be?" responded the Accountant.
They hired the accountant.
36 "Fire in the Room"
A physicist, engineer and mathemaician were sleeping in the same hotel room when a fire broke out in one corner of the room. Only the engineer woke up; he saw the fire and grabbed a bucket, filled it with water and threw it on the the fire. The fire went out. Then he filled the bucket again and poured that water on the ashes as a safety factor, and he went back to sleep.
A little later another fire broke out in a different corner of the room. Only the physicist woke up. He went over and measured the intensity of the fire, saw what material was burning, then he took the bucket and put enough water to have exactly 2/3 of a bucketful. He poured this on the fire, putting it out perfectly. The physicist went back to sleep.
Later yet another fire broke out in another corner of the room. Only the mathematician woke up. He went over and looked at the fire, then he saw that there was a bucket and that it had no holes in it; he turned on the faucet and saw that water was available. Thus, he concluded that there existed a solution to the fire problem, so he went back to sleep.
37. FAQ's, Funnily Answered Questions
From Gary Thomas:
Q. What did the little acorn say when she grew up?
A. Geometry! ("Gee, I'm a Tree!")
From C.K. in Virginia:
Q1 What does Trigonometry have in common with a beach?
A1 Tan gents
Q2 How do hearing impaired people greet one another?
A2 They sine waves. (For a microwave you just use your pinky.)
From Chris Jones. Springfield, MO.
Q What did the arrogant calculus student say when his teacher asked him to solve the differential equation:
A. It's a sinh
From Todd Quatier
Q.What is the definition of a Polar Bear?
A.A Rectangular Bear after a coordinate transformation.
From Vince Amero
Q. What happens when a Polar Bear sits on the ice too long?
A.He gets Polaroids.
38. News Flash
I heard on the radio that ENRON, WORLD COM, GLOBAL CROSSING, TYCHO, and ARTHUR ANDERSON have been selected to receive the "IGNOBLE PRIZE" in economics in 2002.
The prize was awarded to these companies for their use of imaginary numbers in business.
39. We're really sorry!
The Daily News published a story saying that one-half of the MP's (Members of Parliament) were crooks. The government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology
The newpaper responded the next day, saying it was sorry and reported that one-half of the MP's were not crooks.
Three Time-related Problems
40. An age-old mystery
A mother is 21 years older than her son; in 6 years she will be 5 times as old as him.
Where is the father? Thanks(??) to J.V. at Purdue
41. The Snow Plow Problem
One day it started snowing at a heavy and steady rate. A snowplow started out at noon and went two miles in the first hour and one mile in the second hour.
When, to the nearset minute, did it start snowing? Thanks to R. P. Agnew Differential Equations Textbook
42. Another one for the ages
In human beings between the ages of 20 and 45, the rate of wound healing w is a linear function of the age t of an individual.
w(t) is measured in square centimeters per day and t is measured in years. The equation is:
w = 1.82-0.0357t square centimeters/day
If your friend has a three-quarter centimeter wound that takes 4 days to heal, How old is your friend?
43. Smarter than you thought
Two mathematicians, Jim and Nick, eating lunch at a restuarant in Portland Oregon were lamenting the sorry state of American education with respect to mathematics. Nick insisted that most Americans were totally "inumerate", that is, mathematically illiterate. Jim thought that situation was not all that bad. Nick was called away for a phone call but before he left the two men agreed to a small bet. Jim proposed that they call the waitress over and ask her a simple mathematical question. If she answered it correctly Nick would pay for lunch, otherwise Jim paid. While Nick was away, Jim called the waitress over and conspired to rig the bet in his favor. He said, "When my friend comes back we are going to ask you a question and all you have to do is answer 'x-cubed divided by three.'" "There's ten dollars in it for you." She said happily, "Ok, I'll do it." When Nick came back, Jim called the waitress over and asked her "What is the integral of x squared?" She balked at the question, but Jim encouraged her, "Come on what is it?" Finally, she hesitatingly said "x cubed divided by three," but as she left the table she said to herself, under her breath, "plus a constant."
44. An Average Day Hunting.
Three statisticins went duck hunting. A duck was approaching and the first statisticians shot; he missed the duck by being a foot too high. The second statistician shot and was a foot too low. The third cried "We hit it!"
45.Watch out for the range!
Did you hear the one about the statistician who drowned while fording a stream that averaged only 2 feet deep?
46.Playing to beat the odds
Every Friday afternoon, a graduate student of theoretical physics goes down to the corner bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the man makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for this stupid question, but surely you've noticed there is never a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out into empty space?" The graduate student replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse exactly the right configuration of particles, and a woman might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the women who come here every Friday if you could buy her a drink? Never know... she might say yes." The the student of theoretical physics laughs. "Yeah, right! How likely is that to happen?"
Thanks to Brock Palmer
47. Another bar joke. The world's worse pickup line
What did the mathematician say to the girl he met in the bar? "I wish I were sin squared and you were cosine squared, so together we could be one."
Thanks to Kari Mancillas from Fresno State. Who knows it might work in Fresno!
48. A Practical Application.
Preacher John always extolled the value of "man's best friend", the dog. He noted that they were wonderful companions for the elderly, they served well as seeing-eye dogs, for example. Every Sunday he had some heart warming story about one of the parishoner's dogs. One day he decided to put a cement sidewalk along the church's city block. He built the frame, mixed the concrete poured it and proudly smoothed the surface. It was a magnificent job. No sooner had he finished than one of the neighbor's dog came running along and trotted straight down the center of the wet cement. Preacher John went back and smoothed out the footprints and completely repaired the damaged sidewalk. The dog immediately returned and danced around in the wet sidewalk again. Preacher John again repaired the damage. This did not deter the dog; he came back and again traipsed throught the fine work. This time the preacher went into his house and got his shotgun and killed the dog right on the spot. The next day one of the parishoners was very puzzled and asked the preacher how he could have shot the dog; didn't he always say that dogs did a wonderful service for people? John answered "Yes, I love dogs in the abstract, but not in the concrete."
49.Fundamental Geometric Fact.
50. Another Fundamental Geometric Fact.
The volume of a cylinder of mozzarella of radius z and height a is equal to pi z z a.
Steve Mirsky, Scientific American,January 2012